SOOOOOOO confused
I am torn between feeling like I made the right decision, but regretting it, and between feeling like i made the biggest mistake of my life. Right now leaning on option 2? What if he moves on and decides he doesn't want to be with me anymore? NOT WHAT I WANT(ED). FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK fucking terrified as shit. omg omg omg. What if he doesn't want to be with me again?? I miss him so much it's scary I need him I need him I need him AAAAH

Don't know what to do. Going crazy. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck! AAAAH!

What if he moves on? I don't even know if he wants to be with me or anyting because he won't say

I need to be with him. I need it I need it I need it.

Don't know what to do. Fuck.

PANIC CITY
fuck fuck fuck

Feel so confused.
Had long long talk with Chad last night, can't say it went all that well, the talk went okay I guess but it felt like my heart was breaking all over again. He asks me questions I don't have the answers too - I don't even know how to figure out the answers, because so much depends on what happens.

I am so mad, because I feel like he is going to find some girl and treat her wonderfully and I will have to see it and see the realised potential of everything I knew he could but wouldn't be for me. And I'm going to have to exist knowing that she is loved and happy and treated properly by this amazing person who would do anything for her because he wants to make her happy - and that I missed out on that. I will never find another Chad.

I don't know if I will be able to trust him again in the way that getting back would require. I know he wouldn't ask me to get back together with him until he thought that he could be everything I need - but I know I wouldn't get back with him unless I felt I could give him 100% of my trust again, and I'm not sure if I can. He destroyed me and my trust to many times with little words (or the absence of them) that I don't know if I'll be able to move past it. I want to, and I'm sure with time I could, but I don't know how long it will take and it terrifies me that I might be ready to be back with him and by that time he will have moved past me and then I'll die all over again.

He is so GOOD, and I don't think he realises it. Tyler is out there doing just awful things to Hazel but I have hope that he wouldn't do that to me.. It makes me die a little inside for Hazel thinking about how Tyler acts, and what that would do to me if it was me and Chad and he slept with someone within a week, it's disgusting and I would never get past it or forgive him. Poor Hazel, having to know that Tyler had no love or respect for her, no care for her feelings after such a long time. Disgusting.

And I know that there is the chance that when I'm ready to move forward, it won't be with Chad. But I can't really fathom me being fine with him being with someone else, and giving her all the things he didn't give me. I don't know if I can/could handle that. I don't know what is going to happen. I honestly don't. I feel like in time if I was ready and he told me that he would give me everything I needed, I would get back together with him. But thinking about it is too painful. I feel like he stole that future from me. I want to have it back but I feel like he stole it. I know it's going to take me a long time to heal and be whole again. I don't want to make him wait for me, because there is always the chance that I won't want it when he's there. But I think that if I could trust him again, and he could really give his all to me, we coul dbe happy together forever.

I can see myself marrying him, having babies with him, growing old with him. I can see myself doing that and being happy, but so much would have to change. I know he knows all of this. But what if he doesn't want to change for me? Then what?

I don't know what to do. I really don't.
Confused. Wish I could pull a Dumbledore and take some of this shit out of my fucking head. AAH.

I can see it, and it feels so real, but then there is also that nameless, faceless man. The one in the back of my head who tells me there will be someone to treat me better. That's all I really want. To be loved and cherished and treated with respect. If that is with Chad, then great, if not, I guess I'll have to deal with it as it comes.

I guess I just have to keep telling myself that if it's meant to be, it will be. I take great comfort in that. Do the best you can for yourself, and wherever it takes you is where you're supposed to be.

If it's not okay, it's not the end...but lonely lonely lonely all day long. miss him oodls.

I know it was my choice, my decision, blah blah blah, but I'm so lonely. I miss him so much in the empty minutes. Doesn't help that he's out with his friends and who knows who else doing god knows what and being happy. I am miserable. I feel better during the day, and then it hits me at night. I feel the absence of him whenever I think of him in any way. And he is out there, having fun, and I see people and then come home and want to sleep my life away. Or turn off my brain. Or something. So much free time and very limited things to do.. Most things remind me of him, which is super shitty. I don't want to forget or anything, I just want to not think about it. If that makes sense.

I just don't know. I want him to be in my life so bad, and I understand that for there to not be a mess I need to suffer in silence for however long. Till I feel like I can breathe on my own. I feel like he was such a huge part of my person and I am mad at him. I feel like he forced me to rip him out of me. I feel like in some ways he wanted this. Because no matter how many warnings, nothing changed until it was already too late. I am FURIOUS with him for breaking my heart over and over. And yet I still love him. Probably always will. Just have to figure out some way to manage it and not hurt myself so bad in the process. And not hurt him.

I feel like I've been trying so hard to watch what I do, say. I'm hyper aware of the fact that he has my information ( like fb, hotmail pws) and that he can read my emails and fb messages.. and I feel like he is not. I feel like he is doing or saying some things just to hurt me. Is it fair for him to hurt me? I thought he loved me. I don't want to hurt him, so I don't understand it in the reverse.. I don't know if thats what he's doing or if he just doesn't care. Either way, some of the shit he's said, sucks. I make sure not to say anything hurtful in emails to my mom and I have been avoiding fb like the plague.. I just dunno.

I know that we shouldn't be together, I have accepted that. But he was my best friend, and we talked about everything, and I miss him like hell. I thought I knew him well enough to know that he would feel the same. Maybe him acting this way is him dealing with it. I don't know. I wish sometimes that I didn't have the guilty conscience that I do. I can never be mean to him now, and I know that. But I know he's not the same way. Blah. I'm sad. I miss him. But I know it's what I need. Doesn't make it suck any less.

So today is awful.

I was feeling okay at work, in an okay mood which is nice because I haven't been anything other than madly depressed since THAT DAY. I'm thinking it's just because I woke up, went to work, had a split shift... because as soon as I was off work I almost started to cry. Tessa has been trying really hard to not let me wallow but I just don't wanna do anything. I just want to read or sleep. Read because it's so so much easier to get fully in to a book than anything else.

I guess I thought that I would feel some form of relief. Maybe in some way I do. But the thing that makes it so complicated for me, the thing that makes me not be able to eat, or sleep, or stop from crying myself to sleep every night, is that it wasn't something I wanted to do. It was something I felt like I had to do.

I honestly feel like C was my person. I am heartbroken. I wanted to be with him and be happy so so so bad. It just wasn't happening anymore though.. And I tried to give warnings, I tried to make it clear that I was feeling sad and like shit and I tried to say what was wrong.. I just think that he was so comfortable with the situation that it would have been literally impossible for it to be the way it needed to without me feeling like things might just snap back to "normal" at the first chance. I think anything would have been just a temporary fix, because honestly how do you remove yourself from that zone? At the age of 19, we should still be crazy in love and blissfully happy. I know we weren't the most compatible people on the planet but I love him with everything that I have. I am so mad at him... I have to be alone, because I cannot be with him anymore. He was my person, but I can't have been his.. I'm sure that if I was, he would have wanted me to be truly happy. And not just in that lingering, 'whatever is easy' way, but in that true, I love you like crazy, let me be everything to you way.

I feel empty. I feel like I have lost my best friend. And while I understand that it was the right decision for me for now, that doesn't mean it was the one I wanted to make. I don't know if he'll ever realize that he broke my heart 1000 different ways before he forced me to break his. I feel awful. I feel disgusting. I have been walking around with permanent nausea. I can't sleep. I don't want to do anything or be around people. I feel like I will never move on. How do I move on when I'm still in love? I know that we shouldn't be together anymore. The respect just really was not there. But I  miss him so much all the time. I know I can't text him or call him because that would just be me being selfish and would hurt him. So I know I have to suck it up and deal with the pain. I cannot imagine my life without him in it. I have been looking at his emails, and facebook and stuff and I know that he left them there on purpose so I would see them but they just break my heart all over again. He seems like he's okay, and all I want to do is die. He went to the cabin with HER on friday, and then to a bar on saturday... I couldn't go to a bar now, I would want to die. And that he has a court summons, and I 190 fine, and something he has to go take pictures of..? I want to know if he is ok, and whats up with that, etc etc but I know I can't ask him. When I realised that they were both at the cabin together I almost had a panic attack. Then I realised that I have no claim over him anymore, he can do whatever he wants.. though I hope he loved me enough not to hurt me like that... Anyways I texted J and she said that if something did happen, it's just proof that I made the right decision, which made me feel better. It's easier for me to be angry than feel like this.. but I'm not angry. I am a little mad, and a lot frustrated..I gave him so so so many chances and I just wasn't worth it to him. That's what it boils down to. I know I was his best friend and he loved me but I just can't have been worth it to him. If I was, things would have been different. So I just wasn't worth it.
Whew this is a mammoth. I think this helps me a little bit though..

But honestly. What is my life without him? I don't know.
Tessa is trying to keep me from slipping way down... but it's not really working, all it does is kind of make me skim the surface.. during my split she asked me to wait after work for her for drinks.. I knew I wouldn't have one but if she wanted, sure. I don't want to hurt her feelings and stuff and it probably does help even though all I really want to do is be alone. I tried to sit there and then I almost started crying in fron tof 5 people.. how embarrassing. Noone said anything to me or anything, just this really beautiful Lights song that me and C both love came on and broke my heart all over again and set me off.

Don't know what to do with my life. I know I made the right decision but it hurts so so so bad. I love Chad. I want to be with Chad in a relationship that is NOT what it was. But I know that that can't happen until we both grow up. Maybe if I'm lucky he'll still want to know me. And if I'm really lucky in a long while when we've both grown up a bit maybe I will get the chance to try again with grown up, respectful chad.

I love him. I miss him so much. I really wish this hadn't had to happen. I feel so alone.

I miss him so much every day.

I'm interesting, k?

(: